L&C

Control sometimes feels like the boundary at which we know we’ll be ok.

At first glance it appears to be the choice between security and vulnerability. Control means we can act, assert our agency. Out of control is vulnerability to a circumstance, pure uncertainty.

Without control, the distance between us and others shrinks. We don’t know what comes next and if we can handle it. The world races in.

When I plan for a workshop from this place, I choreograph the steps so I know what to expect. Or if I’m coaching, I make it entirely about the other person, keeping a professional distance so that I don’t seem weak.

So what happens without the agenda, the professionalism, when I stop trying, when I let go of control?

I guess I’m just me. 

Truly seen.

And if I can stay for just a moment, I find out that I’m still at choice. Not much has really changed, I’m surrounded by what’s been here all along. The only difference is that now I can see it.

Like that moment in a workshop where someone’s anger bubbles over, shouting at me or the group. The agenda crumbles, the group breathes in. Instead of retreating back to safety, to the plan, I look. Oh we’re here.

Or in coaching when the question turns on me, the person wanting desperately to connect. I can erect a boundary of distance or for a moment just feel how the question lands in me. I can share that feeling, the uncertainty. I choose to stay. Now we’re here.

Without control I’m left to see the moment for what it is, which is also what it’s always been. 

I have to really face you. And face me. And face whatever else is there. 

Truly seen. But also able to truly see.

And from there I have many choices, perhaps far more than before. They’re no longer brittle or inflexible, they can move as we move through.

I can lay down the agenda to be with someone’s anger. I can put down the professionalism to risk connecting. I can lay down wanting to be perfect in order to be seen. I can surrender needing to be ok to discover where we actually are.

Maybe in surrendering control we discover true choice.